"It's Just a Phase"

My fingers follow the white lines as my heart pumps blood to my arms and legs. I count inside my head “1, 2, 3, 4…. one more to go, 50.” My chest is tight and I struggle to breathe in, my oxygen starved limbs singing out in pain, my head swimming in an ocean deep with dark and twisty thoughts. This is what I crave, this is what I need, I tell myself, this is a better option… I push off, turn around and swim another lap, knowing that this is the alternative to something darker and much more permanent.